Table of Contents

Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself and your rights without violating the rights of others. It is appropriately direct, open, and honest communication which is self enhancing and expressive. Acting assertively enhances self confidence.

You are behaving assertively when you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in direct, honest ways that do not violate another person's integrity.

You are behaving aggressively when you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in ways that humiliate, degrade, belittle, or overpower the other person.

You are behaving non-assertively when you fail to express honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs-- or express them in such an apologetic, diffident, or self-effacing way that others can easily disregard them.

ELABORATED OPINION STATEMENTS

• Begin with a personal pronoun: I think..., My opinion is...
• Use compound sentences with connecting phrases such as: because, therefore, and but...
• You do not need to have an original argument in order to express your opinion.
• You may agree or disagree with what others say.

BREAKING INTO AN ONGOING CONVERSATION

• Listen actively
• Wait for a natural pause in the conversation
• State an opinion or ask a question

 
• Be sure where you stand first.
• Ask for clarification.
• Be as brief as possible-- avoid long elaborate explanations and justifications.
• Actually use the word "NO" when declining as opposed to "I just don't think so..."
• Make sure your nonverbal gestures mirror your verbal messages.
• Use the words: "I won't" or "I've decided not to", rather than "I can't" or "I shouldn't". This emphasizes a choice has been made.
• You may have to decline several times before the person "hears" you.
• You may want to acknowledge any feelings another has about your refusal; however, you should avoid saying "I'm sorry".
• Avoid feeling guilty.
• Compromise is always welcome.

HOW CAN I BE MORE ASSERTIVE?

 
• Know your personal boundaries and communicate them clearly to others.
• Make sure your body language does not contradict what you are saying.
• Use both "eye" and "I" statements when talking. Make direct eye contact with the other person.
• Own your own feelings. No one has enough power to MAKE you feel any particular way. You have the choice to feel whatever way you wish.
• Listen to the other person.

3 WAYS TO BE ASSERTIVE:

BROKEN RECORD: Calmly repeating your message over and over or changing the words you use.

ESCALATION: Using the broken record technique but making your message more forceful by shortening your response or changing your tone.

TIME OUT: Requesting that you be allowed a specific amount of time to think over your response to a request, question, etc. ( helpful when feeling pressured to respond).

EACH ONE OF US HAS THE RIGHT TO...

• Say no to a request
• Not give other people reasons for every action we take
• Stop others from making excessive demand on us
• Ask other people to listen to our point of view when we speak to them
• Ask other people to correct errors they made which effect us
• Change our minds
• Ask other people to compromise rather than get only what they want
• Ask other people to do things for us
• Persist in making a request if people won't respond the first time
• Be alone if we wish
• Maintain our dignity in relationships
• Evaluate our own behaviors and not just listen to evaluations that others offer
• Make mistakes and accept responsibility for them
• Avoid manipulation by other people
• Pick our own friends without consulting our parents, peers, or partners
• Let other people know how we are feeling

SAYING NO WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY

4 WAYS TO SAY "NO" IN AN ASSERTIVE FASHION:

• Simply say "NO" or "I don't want to do it."
• Repeat your statement until the other party accepts it.
• If someone asks for a reason, give one only if you feel you have information that the other party obviously needs or could benefit form.
• Do not give a reason if you think the information is unlikely to help the other party or will simply allow them to present a number of counter-arguments.

EMOTION:

NON-ASSERTIVE EMOTIONAL KEYS

The person tends to internalize feelings and tensions. Tends to experience such emotions as fear, anxiety, guilt, depression, fatigue, or nervousness. Feelings are not verbally expressed.

AGGRESSIVE EMOTIONAL KEYS

Tension is turned outward and anger is the responding emotion. Feelings are typically expressed loudly or explosively.

ASSERTIVE EMOTIONAL KEYS

The person responding assertively is aware of and deals with feelings as they occur. Neither denying the right to the emotion nor using it to deny another person's rights. Tension is kept within a normal constructive range.

NONVERBAL BEHAVIOR:

NON-ASSERTIVE NONVERBAL KEYS

• Down cast eyes
• Shifting of weight
• A slumped body
• The wringing of hands
• A whining, hesitant or giggly tone of voice

AGGRESSIVE NONVERBAL KEYS

• Glaring eyes
• Leaning forward or pointing a finger
• A raised, snickering, or haughty tone of voice

ASSERTIVE NONVERBAL KEYS

• Good eye contact
• Stands comfortably but firmly on two feet with his/her hands loosely at their sides
• Talks in a strong, steady tone of voice

VERBAL LANGUAGE:

NON-ASSERTIVE WORDS

• Maybe
• I guess
• I wonder if you could
• Would you mind very much
• I can't
• Don't you think
• It's not really important
• Don't bother

AGGRESSIVE WORDS

• You'd better
• If you don't watch out
• Come on you must be kidding
• Should

ASSERTIVE WORDS

• I think
• I feel
• I want
• Let's
• How can we resolve this
• What do you think
• What do you see

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